Etiquette Tips For Your Holiday Office Party

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:22:51 -0800

Many of us have two faces: one that we wear to work, and one that we wear in the real world where we can actually enjoy ourselves. Office Holiday parties can be a thorny middle ground where the temptation of free booze can be so powerful it shatters the chip connecting brain and mouth. Want to tell the boss what you really think of him? Resist the urge. Thinking about banging the receptionist one of the bathroom stalls of whatever Chili’s Restaurant your company was able to rent at the last moment? Think twice. Unless she’s like totally hot.

The point is, your co-workers see you a certain way. Don’t let a drunken holiday soiree be the coming-out party for the depraved nature you’ve taken such great pains to hide. Here are a few more tips at a glance….

1 KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN. Alcohol is the number one cause of fuck-ups at office parties. If you slur words, fall down, spit a mouthful of crab cakes on someone, or otherwise make an ass of yourself, it will be remembered.
2 BEWARE OF TEQUILA…and Lemon Drops and Jaegar shots.
3 DON’T HURL. See previous item two items.
4 IF YOU’VE GOT TO HURL…do it in the bathroom.
5 KEEP YOUR PRISON RECORD ON THE HUSH-HUSH. Ditto for any drunken personal confessionals about your marital problems, your financial woes, or your sexual dysfunctions.
6 DON’T DRESS LIKE A HO…unless you work at Trashy Lingerie or Crazy Girls.
7 NO DOMESTIC DISPUTES. Don’t get into a fight with your girlfriend even if it was totally her fault.
8 F—K HONESTY. Don’t t tell that person in Human Resources what you really think of them.
9 DON’T BE A CLICHÉ. No “I love you, man!” embraces and speeches. Same goes for uttering the words “Let’s hug it out, bitch” or “yeah, baby.”
10 DON’T GIVE A VIBRATOR AS A “SECRET SANTA” GIFT.
11 WATCH YOUR HANDS. Don’t do fondle your boss’s girlfriend, wife or daughter.
12 KARAOAKE? If you sing like us, no.
13 DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. Your office party is not a coochie supermarket.
14 IF YOU’VE GOTTA’ SHIT WHERE YOU EAT…don’t do it at the party. No matter where you bang her, someone (possibly everyone) will find out. But if you do it there, someone might get a picture of it…and you do NOT want that shit circulating via office email.
15 LIMIT THE EVIDENCE. Think about ALL the photos you pose for, and know that ridiculous, bleary-eyed facial expressions WILL be circulating via office email.
16 DANGER: DANCEFLOOR AHEAD. True fact: 80% of corporate America is rhythmically challenged. If you're dance repertoire consists of the white man's overbite and lame disco routines, resist the urge to bust your moves in front of co-workers. Those images of your flailing, out-of-sync limbs will be seared into their brains for months to come.
17 DON’T BUST OUT THE WEED…or the coke…or the meth. It’s one thing to be offered, it’s another to offer it.
18 IF YOU BRING A DATE…make sure they’re hot…and not an idiot. You will be judged by the company you keep.

Etiquette For Outlaws on ABC.com

Mon, 4 Dec 2006 11:03:34 -0800

Hey Everyone,

Okay, I have to plug our blurb on Office Party Etiquette on ABC.com today. Click to read the whole article, but here’s our bit...

"At any sort of cocktail party … you don't want to be that guy or girl, the one that just goes over the top & gets hammered [and] has sex with her boss or someone's sister," said David Wollock, a TV producer and coauthor of "Etiquette for Outlaws."

"On the other hand I do think that office parties present you with a really good opportunity to sort of navigate different work cliques that you don't normally associate yourself with," Wollock said. "If your boss totally parties … and you can party with him at the office party, I do think that raises your status."
But Wollock's "Etiquette for Outlaws" co-author Rob Cohen thinks drunkeness and office parties go hand in hand.
"If there's no alcohol, it's like being at work on your free time. … Watching people get drunk and act like jackasses is the reason to go to an office party," Cohen said. "I sort of look forward to it. … What would happen this year?"

Catch us on Penn & Teller's Bullshit

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 12:22:04 -0700

Look for us on Penn & Teller’s Bullshit’s episode entitled “Modern Manners.” Penn appears in the pages of Etiquette for Outlaws, so the least we could do is return the favor. Sadly while our advice appears throughout the episode, they went with the strippers to deliver the info. You can see us in the background.